Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?
This is not an entirely true statement. That said, when an affair is discovered, statistically speaking, there will be more than one affair. Yet there is little in the way of quality assistance for couples who want their marriages to heal and maintain their truth to their wedding vows. This is especially the case when a partner in marriage has an affair that they know goes against everything else they morally stand for – especially so when their faith teaches marital fidelity.
Yet there is a rising culture in today’s society who think monogamy is not a realistic population. If you think that, it is very likely you will cheat. But many people who do have an affair want to address what they have done wrong and do their utmost to ensure they never once stray and have an affair. When you are married to someone who claims they appreciate the virtues of monogamy but on the inside thinks otherwise or they have the concept that they have an entitlement to affairs, cheating is almost inevitable. Simply put, monogamy has to be something both sides believe in.
Behaviors, Not Words Are The Key
Promises obviously do not work so behaviors need to change hen a couple are determined to stay monogamous relationship following an affair. Above all, the party who had the affair is the one who needs to change their behavior. Let’s look at what works well and does not work well in achieving this goal.
Ideas That Do Not Work
- There is no guarantee from renewing your wedding vows
- No guarantee comes with them saying “I will never do that again”
- Promises are not a guarantee of monogamy in the future
- While meeting the needs of your spouse is important, it is wrong to think the hey to the previous affair is the spouse who was faithful not being a good enough partner.
The last point is of vital importance because it is easy for one party to blame the faithful party and for the faithful party to accept they were not good enough – bluntly speaking, you can be a perfect partner and still have no guarantee of monogamy.
Ideas That Work
- The spouse who cheated must take responsibility for their actions – understand what went wrong and fully comprehend their behaviors and change to make sure they never go down this path again
- The couple must face the reality of the affair and deal with its ramifications. This means the party who had an affair needs to be responsible for what they have done as well as handling the consequences without making excuses. They also need to exercise a degree of patience with the spouse who has been betrayed and assist in their healing process
- Whatever demons the person who had the affair has need to be “exorcised.” They need to take a frank and honest look at themselves and question their own morality, as opposed to assigning the responsibility for the affair on their partner
- The spouse who was faithful need to have their questions answered honestly regarding the affair
- The couple must work to find out the issues at the core of the causes of the affair and have a clear vision for the future to ensure success
- The party who took part in the affair needs to fully disclose what happened and both parties need to understand the actions that impact marriages. It is never too late to change behaviors
This is a personal question and there is no correct answer. Possibly, you may be aware your spouse continues to be unfaithful, but you decide to stay and maintain the marriage. Only you can decide if that is right or wrong for you. But if that is not acceptable, you are setting yourself up for more emotional upheaval. Often it is not until you take a stance where you give up your marriage that you obtain it as the person having the affair does not realize they have lost you until you take that stance. Threatening does not work. You have to decide for there to be an impact.
Source: Bercht, Anne. “Multiple Affairs – When Your Spouse Has Had Multiple Affairs.” Brian and Anne Bercht, 6 Feb. 2015, beyondaffairs.com/special-circumstances/multiple-affairs/.
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