Category Archives: Collaborative Divorce

Learn about the techniques that can assist you avoid having to appear in court throughout your divorce.

Divorce Alternatives to the Traditional Process

Let’s start with a disclaimer: while some states enable you to acquire a divorce ruling without ever entering a courtroom, others require you to appear in front of a judge. However, if you can settle your disputes ahead of time, your court appearance will only take a few minutes, rather than the hours or even days that a contested divorce trial will take. You and your spouse can try to resolve your differences on your own, or you can use one of the Alternative Dispute Resolution techniques (ADR).

Solving Problems by Yourself

If you and your husband are on friendly terms, you might list your marital concerns and try to come to an agreement on each one. It’s a good idea to do some preliminary research on the topics you’ll be discussing so you don’t forget anything. Divorce concerns typically include any or all of the following:

• partition of assets and debts
• spousal support or alimony
• child custody, as well as
• support for children

You should have a divorce lawyer formalize your settlement by producing a Property Settlement Agreement once you’ve reached an agreement on all of your divorce-related concerns (also known as a Marital Settlement Agreement). In addition to the terms you’ve agreed to, this will usually include significant legal clauses. Keep in mind, however, that you and your spouse cannot employ the same lawyer; you should both have your own counsel evaluate the contract on your behalf.

Choosing a Mediator for Your Divorce

Mediation is a prominent ADR technique. Mediators are qualified professionals who assist spouses in resolving their conflicts (usually lawyers or child custody experts). The couple will prepare material and documents (such as tax records) ahead of time and meet with the mediator as many times as required to reach an agreement. The idea is to limit the parameters of the settlement to a written agreement.

Mediation is usually less stressful than going through a contested divorce. Sessions are usually held in the mediator’s office and are relatively informal. Although the couple can have attorneys present, it is not needed, which adds to the mediation’s cost-effectiveness. (Having attorneys there can actually be unhelpful at times, especially if the attorney is confrontational.) You will have to pay the mediator, although this is normally split between the parties.

Divorce Through Collaboration

Another type of ADR is collaborative divorce. The purpose is similar to mediation in that it is to establish an agreement, but it is structured differently.

A mediator or other third party is not involved in a collaborative divorce. Rather, each couple has an attorney and participates in “four-way” meetings in order to establish an agreement. Collaborative law attorneys often have specialized training in this area. In order to keep them focused on the settlement, most—if not all—states prohibit them from representing the spouses in future court cases if the negotiations fail.

Collaborative law is based on the concept of working as a “team.” To establish an agreement, all players are required to work together. Any professionals involved in the process (such as accountants, property appraisers, and child psychologists if there is a custody dispute) must be impartial and accepted by both parties.

If you’d rather have an attorney represent you throughout the settlement process, you’re more likely to choose collaborative divorce over mediation. But keep in mind that if you can’t come to an agreement, you’ll have to start the entire divorce procedure over with new lawyers. This could result in a huge increase in costs, as these new lawyers will have to learn the case from the ground up.

Arbitration in Divorce

Divorce arbitration is another weapon in the ADR toolbox, and it’s frequently used by couples who don’t think they’ll be able to settle their disagreement but want someone to make a decision outside of the traditional court system. Unlike mediation and collaborative divorce, arbitration’s purpose is for the arbitrator to decide the case and give a ruling, similar to what a court would do after a trial. (Divorce arbitration may not be available in all states; consult a local attorney to see if it is used in your area.)

The advantages of arbitration versus a court trial are numerous. The arbiter is chosen by you and your spouse. You cannot choose your judge in court. You can also choose to relax the standard rules of proof. For example, rather of having a witness attend in person, you can agree to accept the presentation of a witness’s sworn written statement. You’ll also collaborate to define the dates, times, and length of your arbitration sessions. That’s a luxury you won’t find in court, where disputed divorces can drag on for over a year and you can waste hours each time you go waiting for a judge to show up.

The most significant disadvantage of arbitration is that the judgement is final and binding. You usually can’t appeal unless the arbitrator is acting improperly. With a court trial, it’s nearly a given that you’ll be able to appeal. You’ll also have to pay the arbiter in addition to your lawyers. This can be costly, especially in complex circumstances.

Is it necessary for you to appear in court?

You must submit a divorce petition or complaint with the court to formally end the marriage, even if your case has been settled. The divorce is usually based on no-fault grounds (reasons), such as “irreconcilable disagreements,” by whichever partner files the case. You must submit the relevant papers and forms in states that do not require a court presence. These are frequently seen on the court’s website. A judge will approve the settlement and issue a final divorce judgment if everything is in order.

If your state needs a court appearance, you’ll notify the court clerk that your divorce case has been resolved once you’ve completed the initial divorce filing process. The case will be marked “uncontested,” and you will be given an expedited court date. In most cases, you’ll appear in front of a judge for around fifteen minutes, verifying the grounds for the divorce and answering basic questions about the settlement agreement. Again, the court’s website is likely to provide useful procedural information.

Regardless of which path you choose for your divorce, you should seek the advice of an expert family law attorney who can assist you throughout the process.

At the time, dirty ways to get back at your soon-to-be-ex may seem like a smart idea. Retaliating for your ex’s wrongdoings may provide you with a sense of satisfaction in knowing that you are exacting justice or giving your ex what he or she deserves.

However, the truth is that these dirty divorce techniques rarely benefit the perpetrator and nearly usually result in hostility. Dirty divorce methods can inspire the other side in the same way that the bombing of Pearl Harbor roused a sleeping giant. During your divorce processes, fight the impulse to be vindictive, because you may discover that the joke is on you. Here are some instances of things you should not do:

1. Don’t give him anything.

A female client is considering leaving her husband’s home. It appears that if she tells her husband that she wants to leave, he will stop her. It has to be done behind his back. She is furious with him and wants to get even with him, so when she leaves, she takes everything in the house with her. He has nothing to sit on and nothing to cook with when he goes home. She believes she’s shown him something, but all she’s done is provoke him and throw down the gauntlet for all-out war.

2. Cancel all of your credit cards.

I represented a mother of three whose husband, a doctor, was having an affair with a nurse. Both had engaged lawyers, but my client preferred to wait before suing her husband for infidelity in the hopes of reaching an amicable resolution.

My client had just returned from a lengthy journey with one of her kids and was about to pay for gas when her card was rejected. Her spouse, who earns around $1 million a year, chose to terminate all of her credit cards without warning. To say the least, the good doctor procured an adultery complaint and a temporary hearing in which the judge was apprised of his actions.

3. Obtain his dismissal.

Offended spouses’ eagerness to get their ex fired or in trouble with the IRS or, in one case, the Securities and Exchange Commission never ceases to astonish me. What could they be thinking while they’re simultaneously attempting to get enough money from their spouse to make ends meet? What a case of shooting oneself in the foot!

4. Turning Off the Power.

This is undoubtedly one of the nastier divorce ruses. Many people have called me to say that their phone, power, or cable has been switched off at their home without warning. Such an approach simply leads to a downward spiral of attacks and counterattacks.

5. Inform the Paramour’s Partner.

When an affair is discovered, a common reaction is to phone the paramour’s spouse and tell them everything. As a result, that spouse may launch an alienation of affection lawsuit, putting the marital assets at danger. Clearly, this is an extremely self-destructive decision. (There are situations when sharing this information is beneficial, but this should be done by the lawyer, not the client.)

6. Take the kids out of state.

At the time, such a move seemed like a great way to get even with your spouse. However, some cases show that it can be a good method to get a judge to grant custody to your husband in exchange for your bad behavior. It is considered kidnapping in several places.

7. De-clutter your bank accounts.

While this may bring some temporary relief and security, it may also result in an emergency hearing and the costs associated with it. It may also imbue the perpetrator with an unjust taint that they may never be able to escape. (There are situations when this may be essential, but only with counsel’s guidance and for very good reason.)

8. File a Child Abuse Complaint.

I believe that few people consciously make false complaints of abuse, but it is all too common for people in the throes of divorce to stretch regular events to their advantage. This is something that judges are well aware of. Allow no one to speak to your child if there is a risk of abuse, and bring them to a professional who is trained in interviewing children for abuse. Abuse allegations can be made in both directions, so tread carefully before throwing stones. Allow the experts to handle it.

9. Make your spouse feel humiliated.

Many people wish to teach their spouse a lesson by having summons or subpoenas served on them at work or in other humiliating locations. I’m aware of one situation in which a woman requested that the process server serve her husband immediately before he boarded a plane for an overseas hunting trip. Such gestures may provide gratification, but they can also lead to revenge and escalation of the conflict. Remember that they will one day have the power to embarrass you in the same way they embarrassed you.

10. Just because you can, pull the trigger.

Many times over the course of a divorce, there is an opportunity to file anything, take legal action, or seek a sanction, but the better option is to postpone or avoid taking action. Your husband, for example, is an adulterer. You have concrete evidence. You may believe that because the opportunity presents itself, you must file a lawsuit for adultery. However, history has shown that assessing the circumstance and determining when or if such action is most useful is frequently the best course of action. The mere fear of litigation, for example, may be more persuasive in negotiations than the actual filing of litigation.

All of the preceding rules come with the proviso that no rule should be obeyed if doing so would be risky. You have to do some things from time to time. The key is to seek the advice of skilled counsel and to ensure that your relationship with your counsel is not hostile for the purpose of being contentious.

Rather of focusing your efforts on hurting your ex, be sure that every move you make is actually geared to assist you move closer to a positive solution, not just to grasp a purely temporary advantage or to gratify an unproductive emotion. Let’s keep it that way!

What factors are associated with a higher risk for divorce? Read on to learn more.

• Young age.  Marriage at a very young age increases the likelihood of divorce, especially in the early years of marriage.
• Less education.  Research shows that those with at least some college education (vs. high school or not finishing high school) have a lower chance of divorce.   
• Less income.  Having a modest income can help couples avoid stress that may lead to divorce.   
• Premarital cohabitation.  Couples who live together before marriage appear to have a higher chance of divorce if they marry, but the risk is mostly true for those who have cohabited with multiple partners.  A common belief is that living together before marriage provides an opportunity to get to know each other better, but research has found those that live together before marriage have already developed some leniency towards divorce.   This leniency towards divorce is what leads the couple to become high risk. However, there are some caveats to these findings.  Research suggests couples who get engaged and then move in together are no longer at a high risk for future divorce.   Their commitment towards marriage reduces the risk of a future divorce.
• Premarital childbearing and pregnancy.  Childbearing and pregnancy prior to marriage significantly increase the likelihood of future divorce.
• No religious affiliation.  Researchers have estimated those with a religious affiliation compared to those who belong to no religious group are less likely to divorce.
• Parents’ divorce.  Unfortunately, experiencing the divorce of your parents doubles your risk for divorce.  And if your spouse also experienced their parents’ divorce than your risk for divorce triples.  This does not mean you are predisposed to having your marriage end in divorce, only that you may need to be more aware of your marriage trends and work harder for a successful marriage.  For more information on what a healthy marriage entails click here.  

LIke grief, divorce has stages a person goes through. In this post we briefly review those stages. Read on to learn more.

Denial. 

It is often tough to accept that you are in the middle of a divorce and you may think the divorce was entirely your own fault. This can send you into a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts You may think there is something you can do to get back with your partner.

Shock. 

You may act in a way in an abnormal way. The shock of the divorce creates different emotions inside your head that may cause panic. This shock becomes more pronounced when you realize how much time you invested in your marriage and family.

Contrasting Emotions. 

It will be tough to control your emotions. From feeling hope to feeling simply nothing but despair, you will try your best to make sense of all that has happened leading up to this point. You may also find that all you think about is the failure of your marriage.

Bargaining.  

You are still hopeful that your marriage will work out. You are willing to do anything to change yourself and just make things work. You may resort to drastic measures just to get your ex to change his or her mind. What you will need to realize at this point, though, is that you cannot control the feelings of other people. Bargaining only delays the harsh reality of divorce

Letting Go.

 When you realize that nothing you say or do will bring your marriage back, you stop blaming your ex-spouse and start to understand your faults and what contributed to the end of your marriage. You may also feel a sense of freedom and a better outlook about what the future holds for you. You can finally let go and move on.

Acceptance. 

The negative emotions finally stop. You feel that you are finally fit to lead a life that is filled with happiness and satisfaction. This stage will accompany a time period of growth. You will finally understand that there is life after divorce, and that there are more positive things to look forward to in your life.